On Perfectionism - When Striving Becomes Suffering
Being a perfectionist can be thrilling at times: achieving things you didn't think you could, impressing others, getting high grades, and experiencing the satisfaction of getting things just right can feel great. But at some point, the pursuit of perfection can start to feel more like a prison than a motivation. That is, nothing you do ever feels quite good enough as your bar keeps rising, with no limit in sight. Even on weekends and holidays, you find yourself thinking about all the things you should be doing instead ("I really should go over that proposal again (for the 12th time) to make sure there are no errors," "Did I add that citation to my slides for Monday?," "I can always study more. I bet Lauren is studying right now, and that's why she always gets a higher grade than me." ). Maybe somewhere along the way, striving became suffering, and you're not sure how to find your way back.
What Is Perfectionism, and How Is It Different From Striving?
Healthy striving is about doing your best and feeling satisfied with meaningful effort. Perfectionism, by contrast, is a dysfunctional pattern made up of unrealistically high standards, fear of failure, harsh self-evaluation, and basing your self-worth on your achievements.
After an evaluation, instead of saying, "I did well on x, y, and z, and here are ways I could have done better," perfectionists discount their achievements, catastrophize their mistakes, and treat anything less than perfect as evidence of inherent inadequacy.
The Neurobiology of Perfectionism
Like people with fear-based disorders, perfectionists have an overactive threat response. The parts of the brain that process threats, emotions, and memories become hypersensitive to mistakes. After all, if you believe a mistake proves you're inadequate, how could it not be perceived as a threat? When this triggers the stress response system in the brain called the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis), you can get locked into a semi-constant state of threat detection and have difficulty recovering from setbacks (see McEwen, 2007, "Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain"). This is why perfectionism is so exhausting. It's like running away from a predator, except the predator is you. Your nervous system never gets to rest, because there's always something that could be better and something you might have missed.
Where Does Perfectionism Come From?
High achievers can be especially vulnerable to becoming perfectionists. If you've spent years being rewarded for achievement, you've developed a particular neural pathway: achievement → praise → dopamine release → search for more dopamine through achievement. Your brain learns that worth is earned through performance.
Then there's "conditional positive regard." If someone grows up in an environment where their sense of self depends entirely on external validation, their internal locus of evaluation never gets developed. If you've been punished for being anything less than perfect, it makes sense that you'd cope and adapt to your environment by striving for perfection.
Perfectionism can also be linked to an anxious attachment pattern, where achievement becomes a strategy to secure closeness (“If I'm impressive enough, I'll be loved”). The problem is, can you ever be impressive enough to quiet that underlying anxiety?
Lastly, perfectionism can develop from observing perfectionistic caregivers or role models.
Perfectionism Doesn't Usually Occur Alone
In my practice, I often see perfectionism alongside other mental health conditions:
Perfectionism + Anxiety. This is very common. The perfectionism and anxiety feed each other ("If I don't do well on this test, I'll have no future. So I'll use my anxiety to fuel me to study harder”).
Perfectionism + OCD. This is a specific presentation I assess carefully. With perfectionism-related OCD, the stakes feel existential ("I must do my nighttime routine perfectly, or else my family will die”).
Perfectionism + Depression. When perfectionists repeatedly "fail" to meet their impossible standards, they can develop what's called learned helplessness, a state in which they come to believe that no amount of effort will make a difference, so they stop trying altogether. For these folks, we need to address both the hopelessness and the underlying perfectionism.
I Want to Overcome My Perfectionism. What Should I Do?
Think continuum, not dichotomy. Perfectionists often evaluate their work in black and white (acceptable or fail) when reality exists on a continuum. Let's try making one: label one end "complete failure" and the other "absolute success." What's in the middle? Where would you place an innovative, original essay with a spelling error?
Consider the costs of being perfect. Has perfectionism actually protected you from failure, or has it prevented you from trying things? Does it enrich your relationships, or does it lead you to miss opportunities to genuinely connect? What toll is perfectionism taking on your body, your health, your mental well-being?
Treat perfectionistic thoughts as hypotheses. Maybe you submit work that's "good enough" instead of perfect, or send an email without a signature, and see what happens. Usually, people discover that the catastrophe they predicted doesn't occur. These behavioural experiments are powerful because they provide new evidence and new learning.
Notice what perfectionism feels like in your body. Perfectionism lives in the body. You probably carry chronic tension, have difficulty relaxing, and experience your body as something that needs to be "optimized." Instead, ask your body what it needs. Tune into what makes your body feel good. Is it a warm bath? Sitting in the sun? Gentle stretching?
Reconnect with what really matters to you. What matters to you beyond achievement? What kind of person do you want to be? What kinds of relationships matter most? What experiences bring you a genuine sense of meaning and fulfillment? Expand your viewpoint beyond your performance.
Get curious about what perfectionism is protecting. Often, perfectionism is a defense against deeper feelings like shame, fear, or loneliness. This week, when you feel the urge to perfect something, pause and ask: What am I trying to protect myself from right now? Is it the fear of not belonging in a family where everyone is an overachiever? Is it long-held shame from being told you'd never amount to anything?
Practice self-compassion. According to Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves 1) mindfulness (“I’m having a letting go of the need to be perfect”), 2) common humanity (“I’m not alone in my struggles. There are other people struggling like me”) and 3) self-kindness (“given that this is difficult to sit with, I am going to step away from my work and go for a 5 minute walk outside”).
If perfectionism is affecting your well-being or your relationships, therapy can help you build a sense of worth based on who you are and what you value, instead of what you achieve. Reach out to learn more about how support might be helpful for you.